145

I'm doing a little bit better. Yesterday I fasted all day and ate a 200 calorie frozen meal. Today I'm going to try and do the same thing, only the meal is 220 calories. Oh well. I should be good until later. I woke up at 4 for some reason. Once my mom gets up I'll tell her, and I'll probably go to sleep again until it's time to get my hair done. Then I'll get my hair done at like twelve. I'm not sure how long that takes, maybe an hour. THEN she'll want to go get food. And I'll tell her that I ate a bunch of candy, a banana, and popcorn while she was asleep and that my stomach hurts. I'll also remind her that we have food at home and such. Maybe I'll try and convince her that we should go to my aunt's house because I want to weigh myself NOW. But I'll make up some bullshit excuse about how I miss them, blah blah. I just want to get to 140 sooo bad. It shouldn't take too long, maybe by Wednesday if I don't fuck up. I just really want to reach 137 by the end of the month. That isn't too hard, is it? I have like 16 days to lose, what, 8 pounds? It's doable. I really want to write some more fanfiction but I'm SO tired right now I can barely write this. I'm not feeling so wonderfully creative. Oh, I know what I'll do today. After I get my hair done I'll tell my mom that I have to do all my homework. And I really do. It takes me like five or so hours. So that should take up most of the day, and then I'll sleep. And then much later, around seven thirty or so, I'll have that frozen meal. So everybody wins. I just really want to be able to wear those little cute dresses. I'm probably just going to spend the next few hours on some clothes website and dreaming that I can actually wear the clothes without looking like a hot mess. My cousin' wedding is on the 23rd of November, and I'd like to be 125 by then. PLEASE. 125. Not too much to ask for, I think. 



147.

I've eaten since I weighed in, so it's probably more now. But still... that's eleven pounds I've lost so far. The only one to comment on my weight loss is my cousin, just because she's trying to lose weight (she's a bit overweight) so she notices when other people do. The next time I see her, I want to weigh even less. Hopefully 140 or 139. I'd be so happy :) Anyway, I need to stop eating to much. Today I've had:
slice pizza
turkey sandwich
fish&onions
plain potato.

Embarrassing. Probably around 1000 calories... I'm praying I don't gain. I'm going to weigh myself first thing in the morning. Maybe it'll go down, maybe it'll go up. I'm praying for down, but who knows. I've got a bunch of homework to do... so I won't be eating much tomorrow if at all. Probably nothing. I've got a bit of motivation.

2 pounds down this month.

Will weigh in later...

My stomach in concave (FINALLY) and I have bad stomach pains. My hands are shaking, my legs are shaking. When I stand or sit up I get bad pains in my stomach and my heart starts racing and I feel like I'm about to pass out. Despite all this, I'm glad its finally fucking back. I'd take this over being fat anyday. Got a short cramp in my calf, not fun. I'm starting to participate in PT again, and I feel like it's going to be good for me.

Goal for October:
Lose ten pounds.
Start taking a multivitamin daily.
Non binging.
Start talking to a boy.
Work out five days of the week.

Rewards for meeting at least two goals:
At the end of October/beginning of November, I will go and get my nails done with a friend.

I'll post again when I weigh myself later todayy. Hopefully it's good news.

149.3

THANK. GOD. I feel like such a weight has been lifted from me, like I'm near to being my usual self again. Only nine more pounds to go! I've almost lost ten pounds of the weight I gained over the summer. I calculated that I'm most likely going to be losing 5 pounds for every two weeks, and by the time this trimester of classes ends, I'm hoping that I will be in the low 130's by the time November 11th comes around. I'm done eating today, I'll probably nibble a bit at something tomorrow, and on Sunday I'll probably have one meal (after weighing in of course) And when I weigh in on Sunday, that'll be my official weight loss for the two weeks. So if it could be around seven pounds, bringing me down to 147, that'd be nice. :) I'd be losing 14 pounds every month, and ultimatly reach my goal by December 30th. Anyway, I can't wait for peopl eto tart commenting on my weight loss, if they ever do. My mom will say she notices, but I don't think she will. It won't be noticeable until I lose another 6.3 pounds. I'm going to wait until 140 to do my measure myself again because I don't think that there will be any significant difference otherwise, which would discourage me quite a bit. I'm surprised I actually weigh what I weigh because I actually ate lunch today. Odd. Sadly, this whole thing has made me a little anti-social, and I haven't really been hanging out or talking to the best friend, and I feel bad...

Today I ate lunch, and I just drank about 3/4 of a low carb red bull, so that's like 15 calories. I'm done for the day though, and feeling awfully full. Tomorrow I'll probably have one potato or something. For not, I'm just trying to figure out something to do :/

hmm

Ate two slices pizza and a bit of veg today, and I'm still 149.9. Not good enough, I need to lose that .9 pounds but once I do, I'll officially be out of the 150s and I'm never going back.

Loser.

Maybe I should just do as expected and marry a black guy because obviously I'm not good enough for anyone else. Evidently, guys in my school are the rare ones who'll actually date mixed girls, but everywhere else, oh heellll no! Heaven forbid, when there is nothing fucking different about me except having a tan all year. How dare I be just the tiniest bit darker than everyone else. I'm not ghetto, I'm not uneduacted, or poor. I'm fucking stuck up, smart as fuck, and upper-middle class. So fuck you, you country ass, bull-riding hick. I can obviously do better, and you aren't that good looking anyways.

Not talking about Jordan, but Joe. Honestly, it's rare for people to be like that anymore that I didn't even consider it to be an option. Thank god the kids in my town are so open minded, otherwise I'd be a miserable wreck all the time. Worst thing about this is that I have no one I can really talk to about how much this hurt me, because it's so fucking embarrassing. And I keep thinking that if I was skinny it wouldn't matter if I'm half black. It sucks, when you only want to date white boys and you don't know if they;ll accept you or not. I hate the Midwest. I lost a friend over this, because her slutty ass decides that she wants to date him. Cool. Fucking awesome. Even if we aren't best friends anymore, that's pretty shitty. Fucking bitch. I told her not to talk to me anymore. I can't eat. I can't breathe. I don't want to do anything but cry but no tears will come. This is something I can't change, not like my weight or hair or clothes or personality... There is a foundation to be built off of, and when that foundation is is shitty to begin with, there's nothing you can do to fix it. Half of my foundation is shitty, but obviously that's enough to be a complete deal breaker.

...

Okay, so I don't want to jinx anything... but I just hit 149.9, according to my wii balance. I'm too afraid for it to change, so I ate a bit of dinner so I won't binge, and after I do my homework I'm going to work out and weigh again. I'm so close, I'm actually doing this... lets hope it stays!

I'm starting to like this guy I have two classes with at school. His name is Jordan, he plays soccer, and he isn't the kind of guy I would usually go for. He's super smart, much smarter than me even though we both have AP classes, he's got this odd sense of humor that most of the smart kids have, and while I usually find it annoying, I find it adorable in him. He's always teasing me and talking to me and doing tiny things that gives me a bit of hope as to whether he likes me or not... but I don't think he does. I wish he did. He's very tall, and very straight-edge (from what I know) and just... I don't know! I don't know what it is about him, he's such an odd ball, but I just think he's the cutest thing! The past few days its been the most noticeable, the things he does, the way I feel about them. He's always just doing cute little things that i never really paid attention to before, but now that I do, it's just so obvious. But maybe I'm just duping myself and he doesn't really like me. Sometimes I feel like he does, other times I think he doesn't. Only time will tell... See, he started noticing you because you're losing weight, and he'll only start to really like you if you lose more weight. And he'll only ask you out if you get to 105.