THANK. GOD. I feel like such a weight has been lifted from me, like I'm near to being my usual self again. Only nine more pounds to go! I've almost lost ten pounds of the weight I gained over the summer. I calculated that I'm most likely going to be losing 5 pounds for every two weeks, and by the time this trimester of classes ends, I'm hoping that I will be in the low 130's by the time November 11th comes around. I'm done eating today, I'll probably nibble a bit at something tomorrow, and on Sunday I'll probably have one meal (after weighing in of course) And when I weigh in on Sunday, that'll be my official weight loss for the two weeks. So if it could be around seven pounds, bringing me down to 147, that'd be nice. :) I'd be losing 14 pounds every month, and ultimatly reach my goal by December 30th. Anyway, I can't wait for peopl eto tart commenting on my weight loss, if they ever do. My mom will say she notices, but I don't think she will. It won't be noticeable until I lose another 6.3 pounds. I'm going to wait until 140 to do my measure myself again because I don't think that there will be any significant difference otherwise, which would discourage me quite a bit. I'm surprised I actually weigh what I weigh because I actually ate lunch today. Odd. Sadly, this whole thing has made me a little anti-social, and I haven't really been hanging out or talking to the best friend, and I feel bad...
Today I ate lunch, and I just drank about 3/4 of a low carb red bull, so that's like 15 calories. I'm done for the day though, and feeling awfully full. Tomorrow I'll probably have one potato or something. For not, I'm just trying to figure out something to do :/
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
hmm
Ate two slices pizza and a bit of veg today, and I'm still 149.9. Not good enough, I need to lose that .9 pounds but once I do, I'll officially be out of the 150s and I'm never going back.
Loser.
Maybe I should just do as expected and marry a black guy because obviously I'm not good enough for anyone else. Evidently, guys in my school are the rare ones who'll actually date mixed girls, but everywhere else, oh heellll no! Heaven forbid, when there is nothing fucking different about me except having a tan all year. How dare I be just the tiniest bit darker than everyone else. I'm not ghetto, I'm not uneduacted, or poor. I'm fucking stuck up, smart as fuck, and upper-middle class. So fuck you, you country ass, bull-riding hick. I can obviously do better, and you aren't that good looking anyways.
Not talking about Jordan, but Joe. Honestly, it's rare for people to be like that anymore that I didn't even consider it to be an option. Thank god the kids in my town are so open minded, otherwise I'd be a miserable wreck all the time. Worst thing about this is that I have no one I can really talk to about how much this hurt me, because it's so fucking embarrassing. And I keep thinking that if I was skinny it wouldn't matter if I'm half black. It sucks, when you only want to date white boys and you don't know if they;ll accept you or not. I hate the Midwest. I lost a friend over this, because her slutty ass decides that she wants to date him. Cool. Fucking awesome. Even if we aren't best friends anymore, that's pretty shitty. Fucking bitch. I told her not to talk to me anymore. I can't eat. I can't breathe. I don't want to do anything but cry but no tears will come. This is something I can't change, not like my weight or hair or clothes or personality... There is a foundation to be built off of, and when that foundation is is shitty to begin with, there's nothing you can do to fix it. Half of my foundation is shitty, but obviously that's enough to be a complete deal breaker.
Not talking about Jordan, but Joe. Honestly, it's rare for people to be like that anymore that I didn't even consider it to be an option. Thank god the kids in my town are so open minded, otherwise I'd be a miserable wreck all the time. Worst thing about this is that I have no one I can really talk to about how much this hurt me, because it's so fucking embarrassing. And I keep thinking that if I was skinny it wouldn't matter if I'm half black. It sucks, when you only want to date white boys and you don't know if they;ll accept you or not. I hate the Midwest. I lost a friend over this, because her slutty ass decides that she wants to date him. Cool. Fucking awesome. Even if we aren't best friends anymore, that's pretty shitty. Fucking bitch. I told her not to talk to me anymore. I can't eat. I can't breathe. I don't want to do anything but cry but no tears will come. This is something I can't change, not like my weight or hair or clothes or personality... There is a foundation to be built off of, and when that foundation is is shitty to begin with, there's nothing you can do to fix it. Half of my foundation is shitty, but obviously that's enough to be a complete deal breaker.
...
Okay, so I don't want to jinx anything... but I just hit 149.9, according to my wii balance. I'm too afraid for it to change, so I ate a bit of dinner so I won't binge, and after I do my homework I'm going to work out and weigh again. I'm so close, I'm actually doing this... lets hope it stays!
I'm starting to like this guy I have two classes with at school. His name is Jordan, he plays soccer, and he isn't the kind of guy I would usually go for. He's super smart, much smarter than me even though we both have AP classes, he's got this odd sense of humor that most of the smart kids have, and while I usually find it annoying, I find it adorable in him. He's always teasing me and talking to me and doing tiny things that gives me a bit of hope as to whether he likes me or not... but I don't think he does. I wish he did. He's very tall, and very straight-edge (from what I know) and just... I don't know! I don't know what it is about him, he's such an odd ball, but I just think he's the cutest thing! The past few days its been the most noticeable, the things he does, the way I feel about them. He's always just doing cute little things that i never really paid attention to before, but now that I do, it's just so obvious. But maybe I'm just duping myself and he doesn't really like me. Sometimes I feel like he does, other times I think he doesn't. Only time will tell... See, he started noticing you because you're losing weight, and he'll only start to really like you if you lose more weight. And he'll only ask you out if you get to 105.
I'm starting to like this guy I have two classes with at school. His name is Jordan, he plays soccer, and he isn't the kind of guy I would usually go for. He's super smart, much smarter than me even though we both have AP classes, he's got this odd sense of humor that most of the smart kids have, and while I usually find it annoying, I find it adorable in him. He's always teasing me and talking to me and doing tiny things that gives me a bit of hope as to whether he likes me or not... but I don't think he does. I wish he did. He's very tall, and very straight-edge (from what I know) and just... I don't know! I don't know what it is about him, he's such an odd ball, but I just think he's the cutest thing! The past few days its been the most noticeable, the things he does, the way I feel about them. He's always just doing cute little things that i never really paid attention to before, but now that I do, it's just so obvious. But maybe I'm just duping myself and he doesn't really like me. Sometimes I feel like he does, other times I think he doesn't. Only time will tell... See, he started noticing you because you're losing weight, and he'll only start to really like you if you lose more weight. And he'll only ask you out if you get to 105.
150.8
My scale says 151.8 and my wii fit says 150.8. So I don't know which to trust, but to make myself feel better I'm assuming that the wii is right. However, when it comes down to it, I'm going to trust the scale more as I get closer and closer to my goal. Blah. Still too much, but I'm so close to 149... So close to what I used to be (140) I can do this! Ugh. I hope. I just HAVE to work out everyday or else... I know the weight won't come off so easily. So, I'm not eating today-Saturday... For a really dumb reason. I wanted to be in the low 140's by the time Pottermore opened, and well, I'm not there yet. But I really don't want to wait to join, so I made a deal with myself; that I'll just fast until Saturday and if I suceed, then Saturday night I can sign up! It's only three days, it shouldn't be that hard. And on Sunday I'm planning on having a couple low calorie red-bulls, if that. Or maybe I won't eat at all. I don't know. I just don't get hungry anymore, thank god. I eat more out of habit than anything. Lately I've been eating like, a bit less than what is normal, but more than what I'd like, and when I work out for 2 or so hours each night, I still lose a bit. But the one day I decide not to work out, I fucking gain a million pounds. This is why I just need to stay home all day, everyday and work out. This weekend I won't really be able to work out unless I do a video online or something. God, I just ramble on and on about nothing.
I'm hoping my fasting today will bring me down to 149. That'd be a huge feat; I would have lost 10 pounds since the beginning of August. Dumb ass me, if I could have just stayed at 140 all summer, I'd be almost in the 120's. I'm so pissed. So, if I lose five pounds each two weeks, I'll lose ten pounds a month, just like I had wanted to. And if I get to 140 but the second week of October, I'll be so excited! I started crying today when I saw 150 on the tv today, because this means I'm actually starting to get somewhere. But, when I see it on the scale, I'll be even happier. Even though i know it won't be entirely accurate, I'm going to weigh myself once I get home from school. Because I'll have been empty since last night and hopefully my weight will drop closer to a solid 150. Otherwise it'll take me a couple fasting days to get to 149. My first goal is to get to 148, on my scale. So I'll have to be 147 on the wii fit. I just hope everything works out! I'm going to attempt to look decent today so I can give myself a little false confidence. I better start getting ready, I have to leave in an hour. (We had a delay today) I'm feeling a bit hungry, but I know I won't eat.
I'm hoping my fasting today will bring me down to 149. That'd be a huge feat; I would have lost 10 pounds since the beginning of August. Dumb ass me, if I could have just stayed at 140 all summer, I'd be almost in the 120's. I'm so pissed. So, if I lose five pounds each two weeks, I'll lose ten pounds a month, just like I had wanted to. And if I get to 140 but the second week of October, I'll be so excited! I started crying today when I saw 150 on the tv today, because this means I'm actually starting to get somewhere. But, when I see it on the scale, I'll be even happier. Even though i know it won't be entirely accurate, I'm going to weigh myself once I get home from school. Because I'll have been empty since last night and hopefully my weight will drop closer to a solid 150. Otherwise it'll take me a couple fasting days to get to 149. My first goal is to get to 148, on my scale. So I'll have to be 147 on the wii fit. I just hope everything works out! I'm going to attempt to look decent today so I can give myself a little false confidence. I better start getting ready, I have to leave in an hour. (We had a delay today) I'm feeling a bit hungry, but I know I won't eat.
Monday, September 26, 2011
151
Even though I ate like a pig (I thought I did) this whole weekend, I lost .7 pounds. Good deal. On Friday I went to dinner with Lauren and then I stayed the night at her house. She fell asleep before eleven. I can tell she's so unhappy about losing her other best friend, and now to fill the void, she's best friends with the one boy I hate most in the world... But anyway. I hate seeing her so lonely. I feel bad that I hung out with soeone besides her this weekend, because I NEVER used to do that. It was always just her making me leave her house because she had to go to somewhere, and I would just go home and sit around by myself. But I didn't mind the solitude, I like being alone more than being with other people.
Saturday was pretty good. Besides being with my ex-best friend Shane (girl, we grew apart when Lauren moved back). We went to some party in Chesterton, a bonfire really, and she was getting on my nerves the whole way there and I didn't want to go at all but you know, there was nothing better for me to do. So anyway, we picked up this guy she fucked that has a girlfriend. I don't get how she gets guys beause in my opinion she's fucking hideous and annoying as fuck.And fat But anyways, TJ ended up being pretty cool ad we all hung out at his park for like an hour while we waited for the party to start. I found a stick that had the word "bitch" written on it, so I kept it as a souvenier. So, we went to the party and the guy throwing it is in love with dubstep, so I was all excited. Turns out all thos kids love dubstep, but Shane had no clue what it was until I let her listen to some, and she hated it, but when the kid played it she acted like she loved the shit. Did I mention that me and TJ didn't know anyone that was going to be at this party? The only people we knew was Shane, and then eachother. Then Shane and the kid that threw the party left to get lighter fluid and it was awkward but me and TJ talked a bit and he's a chhill guy, even though I would probably never have spoken to him otherwise. Then, while they were gone, my life fucking changed.
Not to be dramatic, but while me and TJ were sitting there by ourselves, this guy popped out of no where. And my fucking god. The boy was fucking gorgeous. His name is Joe, Shane told me, and he's super tall and has blonde hair, and his face is fucking chiseled and he was smoking a cigarette and it was the sexiest thing I have ever seen in my life. And he was talking but I could hear, but I know I talked to him. And then he started messing with the fire and I just watched him and decided that I've never seen a more beautiful creature in my whole existence. So I told Shane about it later when she came, and with her big ass mouth she fucking told everyone I wanted to fuck him, WHICH I HADN'T SAID (yet) and still, why the fuck would you go on telling people that? Anyway, Joe is fucking perfect, but he was in a bad mood at the party for some reason so he didn't talk much. But he likes country music, he's a country boy, and he's loaded, but he loves dub and plays the guitar, and just OMG. Beautiful. Later, it got really cold so TJ made me change him seats, and I ended up sitting right across from Joe, and when I sat down he like, leaned forward and just sat like that the whole time. And he kept looking at me, adn I kept looking at him, and our knees almost touched. Then a lot of the kids wanted to leave because I guess the party was too straight-edge for them (I felt the same way) and they wanted Joe to go with them. He got up to go, but then he ended up coming back, and I said, "I thought you left." and he was all, "Yeah... I thought I might stay a bit longer." and he like looked me dead in the eye and my heart was beating so fast, I didn't know what to say. But really, nothing happened. We were left completely alone for a good ten minutes, but nothing. Eventually he left, and I was a bit upset. Like honestly, I have never seen someone so perfect in my whole life. But then he left and I got to talk to some of the other kids there, and they were all really cool. I added them on facebook. I was too scared to add Joe, but I finally just sucked it up and did it. I'm sad to say, I had a mini-heartattack/freakout when I saw he added me. I'd date him in a heartbeat, I don't care about the distance. It's only like fifteen minutes away. OH, and he has my dream car. Don't tell me that doesn't mean we aren't meant to be. <3
Anyway, I'm not eating today. Maybe if I was skinnier, he would have given me his number...
Saturday was pretty good. Besides being with my ex-best friend Shane (girl, we grew apart when Lauren moved back). We went to some party in Chesterton, a bonfire really, and she was getting on my nerves the whole way there and I didn't want to go at all but you know, there was nothing better for me to do. So anyway, we picked up this guy she fucked that has a girlfriend. I don't get how she gets guys beause in my opinion she's fucking hideous and annoying as fuck.
Not to be dramatic, but while me and TJ were sitting there by ourselves, this guy popped out of no where. And my fucking god. The boy was fucking gorgeous. His name is Joe, Shane told me, and he's super tall and has blonde hair, and his face is fucking chiseled and he was smoking a cigarette and it was the sexiest thing I have ever seen in my life. And he was talking but I could hear, but I know I talked to him. And then he started messing with the fire and I just watched him and decided that I've never seen a more beautiful creature in my whole existence. So I told Shane about it later when she came, and with her big ass mouth she fucking told everyone I wanted to fuck him, WHICH I HADN'T SAID (yet) and still, why the fuck would you go on telling people that? Anyway, Joe is fucking perfect, but he was in a bad mood at the party for some reason so he didn't talk much. But he likes country music, he's a country boy, and he's loaded, but he loves dub and plays the guitar, and just OMG. Beautiful. Later, it got really cold so TJ made me change him seats, and I ended up sitting right across from Joe, and when I sat down he like, leaned forward and just sat like that the whole time. And he kept looking at me, adn I kept looking at him, and our knees almost touched. Then a lot of the kids wanted to leave because I guess the party was too straight-edge for them (I felt the same way) and they wanted Joe to go with them. He got up to go, but then he ended up coming back, and I said, "I thought you left." and he was all, "Yeah... I thought I might stay a bit longer." and he like looked me dead in the eye and my heart was beating so fast, I didn't know what to say. But really, nothing happened. We were left completely alone for a good ten minutes, but nothing. Eventually he left, and I was a bit upset. Like honestly, I have never seen someone so perfect in my whole life. But then he left and I got to talk to some of the other kids there, and they were all really cool. I added them on facebook. I was too scared to add Joe, but I finally just sucked it up and did it. I'm sad to say, I had a mini-heartattack/freakout when I saw he added me. I'd date him in a heartbeat, I don't care about the distance. It's only like fifteen minutes away. OH, and he has my dream car. Don't tell me that doesn't mean we aren't meant to be. <3
Anyway, I'm not eating today. Maybe if I was skinnier, he would have given me his number...
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Ha...
It's kind of sad that the only reason I'm excited about tomorrow being Friday is because I can work out all night tomorrow... Hopefully no one wants to hang out with me. My anti-socialism is coming back, which isn't good but I can deal with it. It just makes me want to be alone and everyone pisses me off, and I just hate everyone around me and I yell at them for no reason. Sadly I have plans on Saturday. I really hope no one tries to hang out with me tomorrow. I just want to be alone and work out. And just in case I can't work out tomorrow, I'm not going to eat... that should make up for it. And if I don't eat, I should be in the 140's by Saturday or Sunday. I'm pretty sure my weight loss isn't water weight because I've been drinking tons of water the past couple of days. But... I really just want to be alone. I wish I didn't have to sleep, or go to school. I'm so over all of those kids at my highschool, there's too much useless drama and bullshit and I'm sick of it. I hate that the most "important" thing these kids have to deal with is who their dating at the moment. I like how my weight influences my mood for the day, and the number of people who they flirt with each day influences there. Sometimes I wish I could be thin just so I could act like a slut just like everyone else. But then I realize that I only want to be thin so I can be loved and cared for, and being a slut doesn't seem so appealing anymore. Not that I'm not going to do it, anyway. It just not what truly drives me (not most of the time). I know I make no sense, the words in my head are all confused an jumbled. I have nothing to say but everything at the same time. I know nothing but it all. I need everything but nothing. Please give me nothing. Make me suffer, but be happy. I will be happy, I know that. I will never be happy otherwise. Hopefully I don't gain from those two bowls of cereal I had...
Measurements
At 152. Wii says 151.7 but I don't trust it. I don't even think I'm 152 but ah well.
Waist: 30.5 inches
Thigh: 24 inches
Upper Arm: 11 inches
Lower Arm: 10 inches
Calf: 14.5 inches
Around Knee: 15 inches
Bust with Bra: 36 inches
Butt: 41.5 inches
Hips (Like the hipbone area): 37 inches
Well fuck. My thigh is as big as what I want my waist to be, my waist is what I want my butt to be, my upper arm is as big as what I want my calf to be and my calf is the size I want my thighs to be. I'm pretty much fucked. I'll measure in every ten pounds, so the next one will be at 142.
I actually want my thighs to be 11 inches, but I don't want to sound crazy.
I'm about to go and eat like the fatass I am.
Waist: 30.5 inches
Thigh: 24 inches
Upper Arm: 11 inches
Lower Arm: 10 inches
Calf: 14.5 inches
Around Knee: 15 inches
Bust with Bra: 36 inches
Butt: 41.5 inches
Hips (Like the hipbone area): 37 inches
Well fuck. My thigh is as big as what I want my waist to be, my waist is what I want my butt to be, my upper arm is as big as what I want my calf to be and my calf is the size I want my thighs to be. I'm pretty much fucked. I'll measure in every ten pounds, so the next one will be at 142.
I actually want my thighs to be 11 inches, but I don't want to sound crazy.
I'm about to go and eat like the fatass I am.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
stupid
Ate like a million pieces of pizza today. Worked out from the time I finished eating to just now and I almost passed out. I haven't even been restricting so I don't know why it happened... I hit my hand really hard on a chair in my room and now there's like this huge knot. I wish it was bigger and hurt more. I'm weird and I like bruises and stuff. :/ Or maybe I just like being in pain.
I wish I could be nothing.
I wish I could be nothing.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Ugh
I can work out for hours and hours until my mouth is dry and my legs burn and my arms sting and my heart races and I feel like I'm going to pass out but it's never enough. It will never be enough.
009
I finally have internet and my wii back. This may not sound like much, but to me it's the world. Because of the internet, I have blogging. Because of my wii, I can get back on track with exercising and lose this fucking weight. For GOOD. I'm going to focus on my working out for a couple weeks until it becomes routine before I focus on my eating. I am trying to eat relatively healthy, and not over eat or have any sweets. I am, however, over exercising. Because of my fucked up view on things, I see nothing wrong with this. I need to feel sore, it ups my mood. Anyway, for today:
Consumed:
Breakfast- cinnabon cereal
Dinner- one piece of pineapple and chicken, rice, and corn.
Not sure what that all amounts too, but I'm done for the day and hoping it wasn't all that much. I won't usually be eating breakfast, but we had a two-hour delay today.
Outtake:
From 7-7:30 I played Just Dance 2
From 3-3:40 I played Just Dance 2
From 3:45-4:30 I played Wii Fit
Estimated calories burnt: 725
SO if anything, I'm guessing my defecit could be around 300 calories consumed today? I'm going to work out some more after I do my homework, which should only take me a half an hour or so. Then I'll do another days worth of dancing on Just Dance (the intense program) and a half hour on the Wii Fit. Then by then it should be around 6:45 and I'll work ahead on my school work and write some more in my fanfiction. ALSO, I can try and figure out a name for PotterMore. I already have one in mind, but I don't want to say it in case someone steals it! But I'm super excited about it, and I really can't wait. But I'f I don't lose five pounds by then, I'm not letting myself sign up... So I really need to get to work. Later on tonight I'm going to measure my waist and hips and document it on here.
Consumed:
Breakfast- cinnabon cereal
Dinner- one piece of pineapple and chicken, rice, and corn.
Not sure what that all amounts too, but I'm done for the day and hoping it wasn't all that much. I won't usually be eating breakfast, but we had a two-hour delay today.
Outtake:
From 7-7:30 I played Just Dance 2
From 3-3:40 I played Just Dance 2
From 3:45-4:30 I played Wii Fit
Estimated calories burnt: 725
SO if anything, I'm guessing my defecit could be around 300 calories consumed today? I'm going to work out some more after I do my homework, which should only take me a half an hour or so. Then I'll do another days worth of dancing on Just Dance (the intense program) and a half hour on the Wii Fit. Then by then it should be around 6:45 and I'll work ahead on my school work and write some more in my fanfiction. ALSO, I can try and figure out a name for PotterMore. I already have one in mind, but I don't want to say it in case someone steals it! But I'm super excited about it, and I really can't wait. But I'f I don't lose five pounds by then, I'm not letting myself sign up... So I really need to get to work. Later on tonight I'm going to measure my waist and hips and document it on here.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Monday, September 5, 2011
007
Feeling pretty shit right now. I ate a whole lot more than I wanted to but really, whats new? Not sure about my plan for tomorrow. I'm tempted to try and fast again but there's no telling how that'll go. I still have so much homework... I'm never going to get this shit done. I'm about to binge because I've given up. I hope I don't. I really do. About to call my gorgeous best friend so she can tell me all about her splendid weekend. She didn't even notice that my phone had been off all weekend. No one did. I didn't have any missed calls or texts at all. Not one.
fuck this, there are too many typos. I'm never posting off my phone again
Binged. fuck.
fuck this, there are too many typos. I'm never posting off my phone again
Binged. fuck.
Intake/002
Not that anyone cares but...I won't be able to blog for a few days. Or maybe a week. I don't have internet at my dads at the moment, which is probably why I get so much done while I'm there.
tiny potato with bacon and hotsauce: 135
greens: 150 (guess)
milky way -_-: 160
Done for the day, probably. 445. Damn.
best thing ever.
I like the real one too, but the Family Guy version just a tad more.
tiny potato with bacon and hotsauce: 135
greens: 150 (guess)
milky way -_-: 160
Done for the day, probably. 445. Damn.
best thing ever.
I like the real one too, but the Family Guy version just a tad more.
006
Tried to work out... I got about twenty minutes in. Then I got tired and stopped. I'm worthless. I can dish it out but I can't take it. I can eat and eat and eat, but when it comes to working out, I can't do it. This is why I have to eat so little. Your intake should be less than your outtake, and my outtake is virtually nothing. So I should eat absolutly nothing. I think I just need to rebuild my stamina, because in the winter, I always seem to be a workout nut. Like, I can go for hours. I'm just going to stick to yoga and sit ups and leg lifts for now. I'm pathetic.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
005
Can't sleep, can't even fucking breathe. I'm suffocating in this room. I'm scared so I'm sleeping with my mom again. She snores like a fucking asthmatic bear and it annoys the shit out of me. Sometimes I kick her so she stops. I know it's shitty. She'd never kick me. This room is too hot and my stomach keep churning. I ate a lot of chocolate, drank sugary juice. I feel like a failure, even though I only ate around 1000 calories today. I'm fat and disgusting. I don't want to feel. I'm tempted to get up and smoke a bowl, but she would know. When she woke up and found I was missing, she'd know. I wish juice had no calories. I love juice. I've binged on juice, if that's even possible. Downed three new jugs of it in a sitting. I'm so thirtsy. My tongue is burnt and my mouth is dry. I'm sitting at an awkward angle because I don't want my mom to see this in case she wakes up. If I lay down I can't breathe, so this is as good as its going to get.
Sometimes when I sit by myself and look at before and after pictures, or hear about houw that slut Sarah is getting SO skinny, I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. I want this more than anything in my life, and yet I can't manage to get down to even 120 pounds. I give in to everything, I have no limits. My mom's cough sounds like shit. I can't stand to listen to it. I want to die. Her cough pisses me off and I just want to hit her. I want to slap her and beg her to stop. I want to make her fucking stop. It makes me want to fucking rip my ears off or sew her mouth shut. I have so much anger inside of me. I don't know what to do with it. The only way I'm remotly tolerable is if I'm starving, when I have no engery to feel anything but sadness. Remorse, for the way I turned out. Regret that I ever let myself get to this point. Dread in my heart, because I know that I will never reach my goal. Ever. I've tried too hard for too long, failed to many times. Gotten no where. No matter what I do, how many plans I make, how much I obsess of exercise, or starve, I will never get there. I can't. I just can't do it. I will die a fat cow. I will be this way forever. I will never find love, or happiness, or comfort. I will never smile and be genuinly happy. I cannot be genuinly happy unless I am thin. I want to be nothing. I can't stand feeling my fat rub between my thighs, can't stand tugging on jeans with so much effort, can't handle looking so ugly anymore. I need to change, but I'm so lost and confused that I don't know how. I don't know what to do. I'm a compulsive over-eater that yearns to weigh nothing. How will this ever work? How? I can plan and plan all I want, but nothing helps. I always fuck up. I can't control myself. I lose my head when the cravings come. I can't do it. I can't. But I have to, or I can't live. I must.
And so tomorrow I will keep trying. I will fast (attempt) once more, starving to lose just one more pound, to be one inch closer to my goal. It will take a long time, but I know that it will all be worth it, when I can actually smile again. When I can feel again.
It's three in the morning right now, and I still can't sleep. Insomnia is a bitch. I'm not even tired, but I want to sleep. I really want to write some fanfiction, but I have no inspiration. Nothing. The veins in my hand are tight and sticking out. It doesn't feel to great. I FEEL FUCKING SICK. I wish I could just die.
Sometimes when I sit by myself and look at before and after pictures, or hear about houw that slut Sarah is getting SO skinny, I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. I want this more than anything in my life, and yet I can't manage to get down to even 120 pounds. I give in to everything, I have no limits. My mom's cough sounds like shit. I can't stand to listen to it. I want to die. Her cough pisses me off and I just want to hit her. I want to slap her and beg her to stop. I want to make her fucking stop. It makes me want to fucking rip my ears off or sew her mouth shut. I have so much anger inside of me. I don't know what to do with it. The only way I'm remotly tolerable is if I'm starving, when I have no engery to feel anything but sadness. Remorse, for the way I turned out. Regret that I ever let myself get to this point. Dread in my heart, because I know that I will never reach my goal. Ever. I've tried too hard for too long, failed to many times. Gotten no where. No matter what I do, how many plans I make, how much I obsess of exercise, or starve, I will never get there. I can't. I just can't do it. I will die a fat cow. I will be this way forever. I will never find love, or happiness, or comfort. I will never smile and be genuinly happy. I cannot be genuinly happy unless I am thin. I want to be nothing. I can't stand feeling my fat rub between my thighs, can't stand tugging on jeans with so much effort, can't handle looking so ugly anymore. I need to change, but I'm so lost and confused that I don't know how. I don't know what to do. I'm a compulsive over-eater that yearns to weigh nothing. How will this ever work? How? I can plan and plan all I want, but nothing helps. I always fuck up. I can't control myself. I lose my head when the cravings come. I can't do it. I can't. But I have to, or I can't live. I must.
And so tomorrow I will keep trying. I will fast (attempt) once more, starving to lose just one more pound, to be one inch closer to my goal. It will take a long time, but I know that it will all be worth it, when I can actually smile again. When I can feel again.
It's three in the morning right now, and I still can't sleep. Insomnia is a bitch. I'm not even tired, but I want to sleep. I really want to write some fanfiction, but I have no inspiration. Nothing. The veins in my hand are tight and sticking out. It doesn't feel to great. I FEEL FUCKING SICK. I wish I could just die.
004
People are partying outside my window...And for somereason it's making me feel like shit. Eating some of my mom's super-fattening-I-love-you chicken noodle soup. Honestly, its probably brought my intake up to 1200. Shit. Fasting tomorrow, hopefully.
diediediediehatehatehatehatediediediediedie.
diediediediehatehatehatehatediediediediedie.
Intake/001
So far:
coffee:0
hot cocoa:70
salad-
lettuce:25
bacon:25
dressing:80
crutons:35
3 spring rolls:160
Quaker oat bar: 100
Total: 500
Complete shit. I'll probably eat more later, too.
Hopefully that'll be it for today. Might have more coffee or some tea later. It's one and I haven't eaten anything yet. If I can make it to six, I'll be fine for the day. Forgot how good this feels. I feel really hot for some reason, probably because of all of the hot things I've been drinking. I don't like it, but at least I'm not hungry. I burned my tongue. My belly is so warm. I've got so much homework to do, I better get it done today. Sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to. But there's no one. I let my phone die and I really don't want to charge it. I don't want to talk to anyone, with the stupid meaningless gossip and remarks that are supposed to be clever and cute. Does no one have true conversations anymore? Is it all about sex, and unintelligent banter? I have no one. I'm full of contradictions. I need to go to college, I need to get away. There's a scale upstairs but I'm tooo afraid to weigh myself. Afraid of learning the truth. It'll just make me want to binge. I feel like I'm about to throw up, not sure why. Maybe something in that salad was bad. This is why I shouldn't eat at all. I still feel hot. Maybe I have the flu. I hope so. I feel like theres food in my throat, like it won't come up or go down. I don't want to purge. I hate purging. But it feels so much better afterwards. I know that's why I feel sick, because my brain wants me to throw up. I'm messed up. I shouldn't be this messed up, I'm not skinny yet.
Edit:
So, I'm pretty much fucking done with food. Which isn't at all a bad thing, but still. My stomach is a MESS. TMI ALERT: I just sat in the bathroom for like, a half hour with a terrible care of diarrhea. It sucked. And my stomach still feels like shit. But anyway, I'm so done. I can hardly breathe, I'm in so much pain. I just want to sleep. I could if i wasn't such a dumb ass and had done my homework Friday or Saturday. Now I've got to work my ass off all day. It's four and I still haven't really done anything. I'm a waste of space...
And after all that, I still want to eat.
Double Edit:
Had another panic attack. I don't know if I should tell my mom or not.
coffee:0
hot cocoa:70
salad-
lettuce:25
bacon:25
dressing:80
crutons:35
3 spring rolls:160
Quaker oat bar: 100
Total: 500
Complete shit. I'll probably eat more later, too.
Hopefully that'll be it for today. Might have more coffee or some tea later. It's one and I haven't eaten anything yet. If I can make it to six, I'll be fine for the day. Forgot how good this feels. I feel really hot for some reason, probably because of all of the hot things I've been drinking. I don't like it, but at least I'm not hungry. I burned my tongue. My belly is so warm. I've got so much homework to do, I better get it done today. Sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to. But there's no one. I let my phone die and I really don't want to charge it. I don't want to talk to anyone, with the stupid meaningless gossip and remarks that are supposed to be clever and cute. Does no one have true conversations anymore? Is it all about sex, and unintelligent banter? I have no one. I'm full of contradictions. I need to go to college, I need to get away. There's a scale upstairs but I'm tooo afraid to weigh myself. Afraid of learning the truth. It'll just make me want to binge. I feel like I'm about to throw up, not sure why. Maybe something in that salad was bad. This is why I shouldn't eat at all. I still feel hot. Maybe I have the flu. I hope so. I feel like theres food in my throat, like it won't come up or go down. I don't want to purge. I hate purging. But it feels so much better afterwards. I know that's why I feel sick, because my brain wants me to throw up. I'm messed up. I shouldn't be this messed up, I'm not skinny yet.
Edit:
So, I'm pretty much fucking done with food. Which isn't at all a bad thing, but still. My stomach is a MESS. TMI ALERT: I just sat in the bathroom for like, a half hour with a terrible care of diarrhea. It sucked. And my stomach still feels like shit. But anyway, I'm so done. I can hardly breathe, I'm in so much pain. I just want to sleep. I could if i wasn't such a dumb ass and had done my homework Friday or Saturday. Now I've got to work my ass off all day. It's four and I still haven't really done anything. I'm a waste of space...
And after all that, I still want to eat.
Double Edit:
Had another panic attack. I don't know if I should tell my mom or not.
003
Woke up depressed and anxious. My mom wasn't here when I got up, so I was panicing, but now she's here so it's alright. I wouldn't worry about her so much if she didn't keep talking about "when she dies, know she still loves me" blah blah. I can't handle it, I really can't. I always have to just, walk out of the room and sit by myself for a while, to lose myself. I couldn't fathom it if I lost my mom. I really couldn't. I already know that I would be a complete mess. Fucked up. I hate that she keeps talking about it like she's going to die before I'm twenty-one. No. I wish she would stop smoking. My dad did. I'll stop smoking if she does, I swear. I'll stop drinking, and popping vics, and doing shrooms, and rolling. I swear. I need my mom.
Last night, I had a bunch of fucked up dreams that felt real. Can't wait until my food dreams come back, because those are much less painful then all these nightmares I keep having. I dreamed I killed someone, cut their head right off with a damn shovel. I thought it was real. I woke up shaking and had to get in bed with my mom, clutching to her like I did when I was little. She rubbed my back so I could sleep.
She never saw me have a panic attack before, so she wanted to bring me to the hospital. Although it was hard for me to stand, I laughed and walked around, trying to ease her worries. It didn't work. She says she's going to take me to CVS todaay to get my blood-pressure checked. She thinks there's something I'm not telling her. I wouldn't have told her about it if I thought it had to do with something I'd done to myself. This was just a panic attack, for no reason. Or I don't know. Could I have been unconciously stressing, and led to having a panic attack? I don't know.
Great. My mom just bought me fuckingmilky way from the store. Like, the big ass pack with ten little ones. Damnit. This time yesterday I would have gobbled that shit up. Now I can't even look at it. I can't open my mouth. I don't want it. My stomach is still full from yesterday. I just want to be empty. I need to write that fucking essay.
Fuck, I want a milky way.
Double yuck, I don't know how people just drink black coffee for no reason at all. It's fucking disgusting. I'm only drinking it as an appetite suppressant. Well hell, I can see why it works. Maybe after I drink it for a week or so, for every meal (!) I'll get used to it. Because, I was so close to eating this morning, but now I have no desire to. Once I'm at my aunt's house I'll have some plain tea. And maybe more coffee. I might start drinking this before I go to school everyday. I'll drink a half cup every few hours. If it works, I'll be amazed. I can't wait for the energy buzz to kick in, if it even does. Hopefully I don't get another panic attack.
SIDE NOTE: Ohhhhhh, shiiiiitttt sonnn. It's definitly kicked in. Ive got the madddd jitters and I feel like bouncing all over the place from just a half cup. Wow. This is amazing. I'm typing like superspeeddd! Zoooommmmomomo! Wow. Is it bad that this put me in a good mood, too? I already know that I'm going to turn into a coffee junkie. It's not like I'm not addicted to anything else, so I really don't care. Actually not stressing about what I'm going to eat today. I'm just thinking, "Go with the flow, do what you feel is right. Blah blah blah, food is nothing, food isn't that big on an issue." Like forreall. I just want to do my homework or something. I hate doing drugs, I think it makes me more prone to becoming addicted to anything that makes me feel good. Like a habit. I don't know, I don't think I'm making any sense right now. And I've only had a half cup.
Last night, I had a bunch of fucked up dreams that felt real. Can't wait until my food dreams come back, because those are much less painful then all these nightmares I keep having. I dreamed I killed someone, cut their head right off with a damn shovel. I thought it was real. I woke up shaking and had to get in bed with my mom, clutching to her like I did when I was little. She rubbed my back so I could sleep.
She never saw me have a panic attack before, so she wanted to bring me to the hospital. Although it was hard for me to stand, I laughed and walked around, trying to ease her worries. It didn't work. She says she's going to take me to CVS todaay to get my blood-pressure checked. She thinks there's something I'm not telling her. I wouldn't have told her about it if I thought it had to do with something I'd done to myself. This was just a panic attack, for no reason. Or I don't know. Could I have been unconciously stressing, and led to having a panic attack? I don't know.
Great. My mom just bought me fucking
Fuck, I want a milky way.
Double yuck, I don't know how people just drink black coffee for no reason at all. It's fucking disgusting. I'm only drinking it as an appetite suppressant. Well hell, I can see why it works. Maybe after I drink it for a week or so, for every meal (!) I'll get used to it. Because, I was so close to eating this morning, but now I have no desire to. Once I'm at my aunt's house I'll have some plain tea. And maybe more coffee. I might start drinking this before I go to school everyday. I'll drink a half cup every few hours. If it works, I'll be amazed. I can't wait for the energy buzz to kick in, if it even does. Hopefully I don't get another panic attack.
SIDE NOTE: Ohhhhhh, shiiiiitttt sonnn. It's definitly kicked in. Ive got the madddd jitters and I feel like bouncing all over the place from just a half cup. Wow. This is amazing. I'm typing like superspeeddd! Zoooommmmomomo! Wow. Is it bad that this put me in a good mood, too? I already know that I'm going to turn into a coffee junkie. It's not like I'm not addicted to anything else, so I really don't care. Actually not stressing about what I'm going to eat today. I'm just thinking, "Go with the flow, do what you feel is right. Blah blah blah, food is nothing, food isn't that big on an issue." Like forreall. I just want to do my homework or something. I hate doing drugs, I think it makes me more prone to becoming addicted to anything that makes me feel good. Like a habit. I don't know, I don't think I'm making any sense right now. And I've only had a half cup.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
002
Waiting for my mom to go to sleep so I can smoke. Not sure what it is about listening to dubstep, but it just makes me want to smoke alll night long. I smoke so much, it's a wonder I haven't turned into a complete dumbass yet. I'm going to do my homework and everything tomorrow. I can work better on an empty stomach for some reason. Ended up not eating anything else, which I guess is good.
Oh, and legalize <3
Just had a panic attack. It was the shittiest thing I've ever felt in my life. I felt like I was dying. No clue why I had this. I've always thought that I had anxiety but I brushed it off. Anyway, I'm having a mini-freakout. I can't sleep.
Oh, and legalize <3
Just had a panic attack. It was the shittiest thing I've ever felt in my life. I felt like I was dying. No clue why I had this. I've always thought that I had anxiety but I brushed it off. Anyway, I'm having a mini-freakout. I can't sleep.
001
I'm pretty much done with living. No, I'm not suicidal. Sadly I'm too chicken to do anything like that. I live in the shittiest town in America, full of douche-bags and whores who are all too hyped up on cocaine to do anything with their life, let alone show any signs of human intelligence. I'm a writer, I love it, but I'm terrible at it. Because I'm quite sensible (sometimes) I have never and will never consider majoring in English. To me that seems very childish and uncertain. I'm planning on becoming a Doctor of Pharmacy, if I can find the motivation to write my college essays. I'm a bit too down in the dumps to do anything of that sort. Funny thing is, I fail at math. I'm good at Chemistry, (alright, decent) so I should make it. But when you get a 35 on the English/Writing portion of your ACT but a 20 on the Math, no one seems to understand what would compel you to begin a career in Pharmacy. Well, unless you're a genius like J.K. Rowling, (I'm a HP nut, just so you're warned) there's almost no chance of making it as a writer. Sure, you could get a few bucks from writing for newspapers or something, but you'll always be worried about bills and you'll be stressed out, yada yada. I don't want that. I've seen how it drives people insane, I've seen how people who get $25,000 a year live, and I don't want that. I can't do that to myself, no matter how deep my self-loathing runs.
I have never been to a psychiatrist, never been diagnosed with anything, and I'm starting to think that I never will. I'm severly obsessed, with some manic periods. I'm afraid I may be hypomanic, but whenever I'm in a manic state, I'm in complete denial so I'll never know. I consider myself to have binge eating/EDNOS. You may look at me and say, "Her? No way, she's not even that big." Sure, but I used to be. And I'm bigger than I should be. When I was twelve I weighed 180 pounds. I lost about fifty pounds, through starving myself. I am only now realizing, as I gain the weight back, that I was skinny then. Not skinny, but skinnier. I yearn for that again. I'm not some "wannarexic" who wants to lose the pounds quick, not some temporary dieter who will stop once they lose a couple pounds. I want to be nothing, to fade away and float off with a breeze. I want to be numb and empty and cold and hard and I want nothing to hurt me, for nothing to be able to touch me. I want to be thin. And after gaining about twenty pounds in the last year, I can't stand it anymore. After binging all day today, feeling my stomach expand and expand, eating frozen noodles and cold chicken, I realize that this will never stop unless I make a concious, serious effort to change this. This blog will be triggering, it will upset you if you don't have an eating disorder, and I may piss you off. But I know what it takes, and I need to sort out my thoughts so I won't be so unhappy with myself anymore. I can't stand it for another moment.
My aim may not be too unhealthy, but my methods will be. I'm planning on losing ten pounds a month for five months, which will be 2.5 pounds a week. This seems a bit low to me, as when I starve I usually lose about seven pounds each week, if not more. I'm trying to keep it off, though, and since I don't exercise (I hate it), it's necessary to decrease my intake so drastically. Besides, I can't stand to feel food in my stomach. I've learned that, either I binge and binge and binge and become 800 pounds by the time I'm twenty, or I starve and am beautiful before I start college.
I'm currently fucking pissed off at Blogger. I'm 17, so I can't look at half of my friends blogs because they're considered to have "adult material" well, blow me, because MY blog is going to have a lot of adult material. Does that make any sense at all? NO. Honestly, society is going to shit anyway, so if a kid wants to read about sex and drugs, LET THEM. If they aren't allowed to view stuff online, they'll jsut make an account saying they're older or worse, they'll go out and DO the shit they were trying to learn about. So, hidey ho, I'll just sit here, a seventeen year old, and talk about worse shit than what I would probably see on someone else's blog that I'm blocked from seeing. Pardon me if I sound a bit bitter, since I've started my senior year, I'm convinced that I'm an adult and I can to whatever the hell I want. So far I've been doing just that.
I've honestly just wasted the past 12 hours on the computer, while I should have been doing college apps. My priorities are so fucked up, all I've done today is eat and watch Supersize vs. Superskinny. I discovered that something can actually turn me off of a binge, I was shocked. I was eating Chicken Alfredo that my mom made me from scratch, (my second big ass bowl) and was watching SS vs SS when this huuuge black woman came on the screen, and was lifting up her folds and rubbing ointment in them. And I don't know what it was, but I just started gagging (I never gag!) and just put my bowl aside and couldn't eat anymore. That was at about... four and it's nine now, and I still haven't eaten anymore. My mom bought me some chips and I haven't touched them, there's nothing in me that wants to. I'm pretty sure we have fruit in the fridge so I might have a bit of that before I go to sleep. I've decided that because I've probably overeaten by five or so days this past week, that to make up for it, I have to fast for five or so days. Maybe more. I'm jut worried about blacking out, but I'm planning on drinking tons of fluids and taking a multivitamin each day. I just want it to go from tomorrow to at least Friday. I need to feel empty again, I've forgotten the feeling. I need it. I have this theory that if I get stoned while I'm fasting, it will be like taking a trip to the heavens. I'm planning on trying it tomorrow. Despite my eating habits being rich in pretty much EVERYTHING lately, I haven't had a bowel movement in quite a few days. This may be in part because, this summer, I tended to abuse laxatives for weeks straight. The last time I used, I had severe stomach pains and leg pains for about a month. It was worrying me for a bit, but it finally passed.
I have never been to a psychiatrist, never been diagnosed with anything, and I'm starting to think that I never will. I'm severly obsessed, with some manic periods. I'm afraid I may be hypomanic, but whenever I'm in a manic state, I'm in complete denial so I'll never know. I consider myself to have binge eating/EDNOS. You may look at me and say, "Her? No way, she's not even that big." Sure, but I used to be. And I'm bigger than I should be. When I was twelve I weighed 180 pounds. I lost about fifty pounds, through starving myself. I am only now realizing, as I gain the weight back, that I was skinny then. Not skinny, but skinnier. I yearn for that again. I'm not some "wannarexic" who wants to lose the pounds quick, not some temporary dieter who will stop once they lose a couple pounds. I want to be nothing, to fade away and float off with a breeze. I want to be numb and empty and cold and hard and I want nothing to hurt me, for nothing to be able to touch me. I want to be thin. And after gaining about twenty pounds in the last year, I can't stand it anymore. After binging all day today, feeling my stomach expand and expand, eating frozen noodles and cold chicken, I realize that this will never stop unless I make a concious, serious effort to change this. This blog will be triggering, it will upset you if you don't have an eating disorder, and I may piss you off. But I know what it takes, and I need to sort out my thoughts so I won't be so unhappy with myself anymore. I can't stand it for another moment.
My aim may not be too unhealthy, but my methods will be. I'm planning on losing ten pounds a month for five months, which will be 2.5 pounds a week. This seems a bit low to me, as when I starve I usually lose about seven pounds each week, if not more. I'm trying to keep it off, though, and since I don't exercise (I hate it), it's necessary to decrease my intake so drastically. Besides, I can't stand to feel food in my stomach. I've learned that, either I binge and binge and binge and become 800 pounds by the time I'm twenty, or I starve and am beautiful before I start college.
I'm currently fucking pissed off at Blogger. I'm 17, so I can't look at half of my friends blogs because they're considered to have "adult material" well, blow me, because MY blog is going to have a lot of adult material. Does that make any sense at all? NO. Honestly, society is going to shit anyway, so if a kid wants to read about sex and drugs, LET THEM. If they aren't allowed to view stuff online, they'll jsut make an account saying they're older or worse, they'll go out and DO the shit they were trying to learn about. So, hidey ho, I'll just sit here, a seventeen year old, and talk about worse shit than what I would probably see on someone else's blog that I'm blocked from seeing. Pardon me if I sound a bit bitter, since I've started my senior year, I'm convinced that I'm an adult and I can to whatever the hell I want. So far I've been doing just that.
I've honestly just wasted the past 12 hours on the computer, while I should have been doing college apps. My priorities are so fucked up, all I've done today is eat and watch Supersize vs. Superskinny. I discovered that something can actually turn me off of a binge, I was shocked. I was eating Chicken Alfredo that my mom made me from scratch, (my second big ass bowl) and was watching SS vs SS when this huuuge black woman came on the screen, and was lifting up her folds and rubbing ointment in them. And I don't know what it was, but I just started gagging (I never gag!) and just put my bowl aside and couldn't eat anymore. That was at about... four and it's nine now, and I still haven't eaten anymore. My mom bought me some chips and I haven't touched them, there's nothing in me that wants to. I'm pretty sure we have fruit in the fridge so I might have a bit of that before I go to sleep. I've decided that because I've probably overeaten by five or so days this past week, that to make up for it, I have to fast for five or so days. Maybe more. I'm jut worried about blacking out, but I'm planning on drinking tons of fluids and taking a multivitamin each day. I just want it to go from tomorrow to at least Friday. I need to feel empty again, I've forgotten the feeling. I need it. I have this theory that if I get stoned while I'm fasting, it will be like taking a trip to the heavens. I'm planning on trying it tomorrow. Despite my eating habits being rich in pretty much EVERYTHING lately, I haven't had a bowel movement in quite a few days. This may be in part because, this summer, I tended to abuse laxatives for weeks straight. The last time I used, I had severe stomach pains and leg pains for about a month. It was worrying me for a bit, but it finally passed.
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