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Woke up depressed and anxious. My mom wasn't here when I got up, so I was panicing, but now she's here so it's alright. I wouldn't worry about her so much if she didn't keep talking about "when she dies, know she still loves me" blah blah. I can't handle it, I really can't. I always have to just, walk out of the room and sit by myself for a while, to lose myself. I couldn't fathom it if I lost my mom. I really couldn't. I already know that I would be a complete mess. Fucked up. I hate that she keeps talking about it like she's going to die before I'm twenty-one. No. I wish she would stop smoking. My dad did. I'll stop smoking if she does, I swear. I'll stop drinking, and popping vics, and doing shrooms, and rolling. I swear. I need my mom.

Last night, I had a bunch of fucked up dreams that felt real. Can't wait until my food dreams come back, because those are much less painful then all these nightmares I keep having. I dreamed I killed someone, cut their head right off with a damn shovel. I thought it was real. I woke up shaking and had to get in bed with my mom, clutching to her like I did when I was little. She rubbed my back so I could sleep.

She never saw me have a panic attack before, so she wanted to bring me to the hospital. Although it was hard for me to stand, I laughed and walked around, trying to ease her worries. It didn't work. She says she's going to take me to CVS todaay to get my blood-pressure checked. She thinks there's something I'm not telling her. I wouldn't have told her about it if I thought it had to do with something I'd done to myself. This was just a panic attack, for no reason. Or I don't know. Could I have been unconciously stressing, and led to having a panic attack? I don't know.

Great. My mom just bought me fucking milky way from the store. Like, the big ass pack with ten little ones. Damnit. This time yesterday I would have gobbled that shit up. Now I can't even look at it. I can't open my mouth. I don't want it. My stomach is still full from yesterday. I just want to be empty. I need to write that fucking essay.

Fuck, I want a milky way.

Double yuck, I don't know how people just drink black coffee for no reason at all. It's fucking disgusting. I'm only drinking it as an appetite suppressant. Well hell, I can see why it works. Maybe after I drink it for a week or so, for every meal (!) I'll get used to it. Because, I was so close to eating this morning, but now I have no desire to. Once I'm at my aunt's house I'll have some plain tea. And maybe more coffee. I might start drinking this before I go to school everyday. I'll drink a half cup every few hours. If it works, I'll be amazed. I can't wait for the energy buzz to kick in, if it even does. Hopefully I don't get another panic attack.

SIDE NOTE: Ohhhhhh, shiiiiitttt sonnn. It's definitly kicked in. Ive got the madddd jitters and I feel like bouncing all over the place from just a half cup. Wow. This is amazing. I'm typing like superspeeddd! Zoooommmmomomo! Wow. Is it bad that this put me in a good mood, too? I already know that I'm going to turn into a coffee junkie. It's not like I'm not addicted to anything else, so I really don't care. Actually not stressing about what I'm going to eat today. I'm just thinking, "Go with the flow, do what you feel is right. Blah blah blah, food is nothing, food isn't that big on an issue." Like forreall. I just want to do my homework or something. I hate doing drugs, I think it makes me more prone to becoming addicted to anything that makes me feel good.  Like a habit. I don't know, I don't think I'm making any sense right now. And I've only had a half cup.