001

I'm pretty much done with living. No, I'm not suicidal. Sadly I'm too chicken to do anything like that. I live in the shittiest town in America, full of douche-bags and whores who are all too hyped up on cocaine to do anything with their life, let alone show any signs of human intelligence. I'm a writer, I love it, but I'm terrible at it. Because I'm quite sensible (sometimes) I have never and will never consider majoring in English. To me that seems very childish and uncertain. I'm planning on becoming a Doctor of Pharmacy, if I can find the motivation to write my college essays. I'm a bit too down in the dumps to do anything of that sort. Funny thing is, I fail at math. I'm good at Chemistry, (alright, decent) so I should make it. But when you get a 35 on the English/Writing portion of your ACT but a 20 on the Math, no one seems to understand what would compel you to begin a career in Pharmacy. Well, unless you're a genius like J.K. Rowling, (I'm a HP nut, just so you're warned) there's almost no chance of making it as a writer. Sure, you could get a few bucks from writing for newspapers or something, but you'll always be worried about bills and you'll be stressed out, yada yada. I don't want that. I've seen how it drives people insane, I've seen how people who get $25,000 a year live, and I don't want that. I can't do that to myself, no matter how deep my self-loathing runs.


I have never been to a psychiatrist, never been diagnosed with anything, and I'm starting to think that I never will. I'm severly obsessed, with some manic periods. I'm afraid I may be hypomanic, but whenever I'm in a manic state, I'm in complete denial so I'll never know. I consider myself to have binge eating/EDNOS. You may look at me and say, "Her? No way, she's not even that big." Sure, but I used to be. And I'm bigger than I should be. When I was twelve I weighed 180 pounds. I lost about fifty pounds, through starving myself. I am only now realizing, as I gain the weight back, that I was skinny then. Not skinny, but skinnier. I yearn for that again. I'm not some "wannarexic" who wants to lose the pounds quick, not some temporary dieter who will stop once they lose a couple pounds. I want to be nothing, to fade away and float off with a breeze. I want to be numb and empty and cold and hard and I want nothing to hurt me, for nothing to be able to touch me. I want to be thin. And after gaining about twenty pounds in the last year, I can't stand it anymore. After binging all day today, feeling my stomach expand and expand, eating frozen noodles and cold chicken, I realize that this will never stop unless I make a concious, serious effort to change this. This blog will be triggering, it will upset you if you don't have an eating disorder, and I may piss you off. But I know what it takes, and I need to sort out my thoughts so I won't be so unhappy with myself anymore. I can't stand it for another moment.


My aim may not be too unhealthy, but my methods will be. I'm planning on losing ten pounds a month for five months, which will be 2.5 pounds a week. This seems a bit low to me, as when I starve I usually lose about seven pounds each week, if not more. I'm trying to keep it off, though, and since I don't exercise (I hate it), it's necessary to decrease my intake so drastically. Besides, I can't stand to feel food in my stomach. I've learned that, either I binge and binge and binge and become 800 pounds by the time I'm twenty, or I starve and am beautiful before I start college.


I'm currently fucking pissed off at Blogger. I'm 17, so I can't look at half of my friends blogs because they're considered to have "adult material" well, blow me, because MY blog is going to have a lot of adult material. Does that make any sense at all? NO. Honestly, society is going to shit anyway, so if a kid wants to read about sex and drugs, LET THEM. If they aren't allowed to view stuff online, they'll jsut make an account saying they're older or worse, they'll go out and DO the shit they were trying to learn about. So, hidey ho, I'll just sit here, a seventeen year old, and talk about worse shit than what I would probably see on someone else's blog that I'm blocked from seeing. Pardon me if I sound a bit bitter, since I've started my senior year, I'm convinced that I'm an adult and I can to whatever the hell I want. So far I've been doing just that.


I've honestly just wasted the past 12 hours on the computer, while I should have been doing college apps. My priorities are so fucked up, all I've done today is eat and watch Supersize vs. Superskinny. I discovered that something can actually turn me off of a binge, I was shocked. I was eating Chicken Alfredo that my mom made me from scratch, (my second big ass bowl) and was watching SS vs SS when this huuuge black woman came on the screen, and was lifting up her folds and rubbing ointment in them. And I don't know what it was, but I just started gagging (I never gag!) and just put my bowl aside and couldn't eat anymore. That was at about... four and it's nine now, and I still haven't eaten anymore. My mom bought me some chips and I haven't touched them, there's nothing in me that wants to. I'm pretty sure we have fruit in the fridge so I might have a bit of that before I go to sleep. I've decided that because I've probably overeaten by five or so days this past week, that to make up for it, I have to fast for five or so days. Maybe more. I'm jut worried about blacking out, but I'm planning on drinking tons of fluids and taking a multivitamin each day. I just want it to go from tomorrow to at least Friday. I need to feel empty again, I've forgotten the feeling. I need it. I have this theory that if I get stoned while I'm fasting, it will be like taking a trip to the heavens. I'm planning on trying it tomorrow. Despite my eating habits being rich in pretty much EVERYTHING lately, I haven't had a bowel movement in quite a few days. This may be in part because, this summer, I tended to abuse laxatives for weeks straight. The last time I used, I had severe stomach pains and leg pains for about a month. It was worrying me for a bit, but it finally passed.