Intake/001

So far:
coffee:0
hot cocoa:70
salad-
lettuce:25
bacon:25
dressing:80
crutons:35
3 spring rolls:160
Quaker oat bar: 100
Total: 500
Complete shit. I'll probably eat more later, too.

Hopefully that'll be it for today. Might have more coffee or some tea later. It's one and I haven't eaten anything yet. If I can make it to six, I'll be fine for the day. Forgot how good this feels. I feel really hot for some reason, probably because of all of the hot things I've been drinking. I don't like it, but at least I'm not hungry. I burned my tongue. My belly is so warm. I've got so much homework to do, I better get it done today. Sometimes I wish I had someone to talk to. But there's no one. I let my phone die and I really don't want to charge it. I don't want to talk to anyone, with the stupid meaningless gossip and remarks that are supposed to be clever and cute. Does no one have true conversations anymore? Is it all about sex, and unintelligent banter? I have no one. I'm full of contradictions. I need to go to college, I need to get away. There's a scale upstairs but I'm tooo afraid to weigh myself. Afraid of learning the truth. It'll just make me want to binge. I feel like I'm about to throw up, not sure why. Maybe something in that salad was bad. This is why I shouldn't eat at all. I still feel hot. Maybe I have the flu. I hope so. I feel like theres food in my throat, like it won't come up or go down. I don't want to purge. I hate purging. But it feels so much better afterwards. I know that's why I feel sick, because my brain wants me to throw up. I'm messed up. I shouldn't be this messed up, I'm not skinny yet.

Edit:
So, I'm pretty much fucking done with food. Which isn't at all a bad thing, but still. My stomach is a MESS. TMI ALERT: I just sat in the bathroom for like, a half hour with a terrible care of diarrhea. It sucked. And my stomach still feels like shit. But anyway, I'm so done. I can hardly breathe, I'm in so much pain. I just want to sleep. I could if i wasn't such a dumb ass and had done my homework Friday or Saturday. Now I've got to work my ass off all day. It's four and I still haven't really done anything. I'm a waste of space...

And after all that, I still want to eat.

Double Edit:
Had another panic attack. I don't know if I should tell my mom or not.